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Something to make you laugh

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by marathonman, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. marathonman

    marathonman
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    Subject: Story by a real Man standing in a queue in Tesco's

    I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
    standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
    although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
    enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
    horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
    because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

    Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
     
  2. RedMurph08

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    Fookin Brilliant!!! :D:D
     
  3. Daz

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    If I;d have witnessed that first hand I think I would literally have been on the floor pissin myself laughing
     
  4. Monty

    Monty
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    That story will be passed on in work tommorrow.....
     
  5. pam

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    thats a good one alright, :D:D
     
  6. StevieGisMyIdol

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    HAHA nice one !!

    I hate peolple who ask obvious questions !
     
  7. marathonman

    marathonman
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    joke

    Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
    rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on
    a stool at the bar.

    The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
    suit.

    Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

    Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

    Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
    here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
    gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
    toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and
    the several beers get the better of the builder.

    Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were
    wondering what you do for a living?

    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

    Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
    home?

    Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or
    in a pond. Which is it?

    Phil: - It's in a pond!

    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
    garden then?

    Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
    have a large garden then you have a large house?

    Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it
    myself!

    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
    logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
    that you are quite probably married?

    Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexu@lly
    active with your wife on a regular basis?

    Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
    m@sturbate very often?

    Phil: - Me? Never.

    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

    Phil: - How's that then?

    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
    about your s*x life!

    Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

    Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

    Eric: - What's that then?

    Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

    Eric: - Nope.

    Phil: - Well then, you're a w@nker.
     
  8. CHARMAC

    CHARMAC
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    :d:d:d
     
    #8 CHARMAC, Mar 19, 2008
    Last edited: May 31, 2008
  9. vodkacolly

    vodkacolly
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    Classic, long time since I heard that one. An oldie but a goodie!
     
  10. Molby Is a Legend

    Molby Is a Legend
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    I loove them both they certainly gave me a chuckle
     
  11. pam

    pam
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    WHAT LOVE MEANS TO AGE 4 TO 8 YEAR OLD CHILDREN

    Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
    Touching words from the mouths of babes.
    What does 'Love' mean?
    A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'
    The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:






    'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

    So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
    Rebecca- age 8




    'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
    You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
    Billy - age 4




    'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
    Karl - age 5







    'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
    Terri - age 4




    'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
    Danny - age 7




    'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
    My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
    Emily - age 8




    'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
    Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)




    'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

    Nikka - age 6
    (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)




    'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
    Noelle - age 7




    'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
    Tommy - age 6




    'My mommy loves me more than anybody

    You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
    C lare - age 6




    'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
    Elaine-age 5




    'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
    C hris - age 7




    'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
    Mary Ann - age 4




    'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
    Lauren - age 4




    'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
    Karen - age 7




    'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
    Mark - age 6




    'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
    Jessica - age 8




    And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

    The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

    The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

    Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

    When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
    'Nothing, I just helped him cry'




    When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot!




    :) agh Cute
     
  12. MrsStevieG

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    Ah thats so sweet.

    Heres another one for ye

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
    bedroom cupboard to watch.

    Just after they get into bed the woman's husband also comes home
    unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising
    that the little boy is in there.

    After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here".

    The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
    let alone from a little boy, says, "Yes, it is."

    Boy - "I have a football."

    Man - "That's nice."

    Boy - "Want to buy it?"

    Man - "No, thanks."

    Boy - "My dad's outside."

    Man - "OK, how much?"

    Boy - 100"

    A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
    the cupboard together.

    Boy - "Dark in here."

    Man - "Yes, it is."

    Boy - "I have football boots."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this
    time?"

    Boy - 300"

    Man - "Sold."

    A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
    football, let's go to the park and have a game of football".

    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my football and my boots."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"

    The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a 400."

    The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your
    friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new,
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin".

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
    confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here".

    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're
    in my cupboard now"!!
     
  13. CHARMAC

    CHARMAC
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    Scum manager Fergie told Rooney that he was picked to play in the next match but he said I might pull you off at half time, Rooney said great I usually only get an orange. ;)
     
  14. vodkacolly

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    Whats the difference between Italians and toast?

    You can make soldiers out of toast!
     
  15. RedMurph08

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    How do you kill a Circus?















    Go straight for the juggler!! Boom Boom
     
  16. Dub13

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    I like it.
     
  17. RedMurph08

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    A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
    laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
    no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

    The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
    once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
    the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

    So he tells his assistant, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
    to see where he goes."

    Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
    cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his assistant to go follow the
    guy.

    About an hour later, the assistant comes back to the store.
    "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
    The assistant replies "Your house."
     
  18. CHARMAC

    CHARMAC
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    :D:D:D RedMurph08
     
  19. CHARMAC

    CHARMAC
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    Friday joke

    A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up
    a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

    'They're on sale, only E10.00 for 24 cans', he says

    'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and
    they carry on shopping...

    A few aisles later the woman picks up a E20.00 jar of
    face cream and sticks it into the cart.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

    'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she
    says.

    The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER
    AND IT'S ONLY HALF THE FUR KING PRICE ! '


    :D:D:D it made me laugh
     
  20. liverbird!!

    liverbird!!
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    :D Good one!!
     

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