Soccer jokes

[phil]

I'll start the ball rolling.


.Teacher to class.

"What does your Dad do at weekends"?

Johnny says "He's a dancer in a gay bar & sometimes if the moneys right, he lets punters bang his ar$e and come in his mouth".

Teacher pulls Johnny aside and says "Is that true"?

"No Miss" says Johnny "Truth is he plays for Everton FC but I was too embarrassed to say"!!!!!!

[megager]

Oh dear, funny tho.

[Dub13]

Good one.

[BornaRedLass]

Very good, heard it before but it was Ireland rather than Everton

[megager]

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had photos of Manchester United players on them - people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[BornaRedLass]

A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says:
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man. "I wish for 1 million quid".
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive 2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there appears a case of 50 notes.
"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
"Final wish"
After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:
"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

[BornaRedLass]

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over.

He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?", "I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum *******.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the ******* with the door!"

[megager]

Brilliant!!

[megager]

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The manc was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The scouse replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Manc b$%**** to my back

[Fowler's God]

That last one is hilarious!!

[phil]

I've created a monster!! Keep em coming

[callyno3]

Q. What is the difference between a triangle and Man. U?
Answer: A triangle has 3 points.:)

[poorscousertommy]

News just in, thieves broken into Goodison Pk last night and stole the entire contents of the trophy room. Police are looking for two men and a blue carpet.