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edcarroll02
18-11-2008, 12:41 PM
Classic!!! :D:D

liverbird!!
18-11-2008, 09:52 PM
Postman Pat's Last Day:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you?.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

liverbird!!
19-11-2008, 12:03 PM
seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in the Vatican?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican.'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Rome?'


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Rome.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

liverbird!!
19-11-2008, 12:05 PM
Fruit loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavor. The children began
to say:
'Red............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green...........lime,

' Orange.........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:



'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

liverbird!!
20-11-2008, 09:26 AM
Subject: Tragedy




Brian Cowan was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cowan if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Brian - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy' I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would call great loss The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of atragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either

liverbird!!
20-11-2008, 09:34 AM
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby , or Football,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Juan
20-11-2008, 08:23 PM
A man comes home and shouts..
"Honey! Pack your bags quick! ive just won the lottery"
She screams "oh my god..what shall i pack?"
He says "Everything! Now get the F**K out"

red1965
20-11-2008, 10:35 PM
>A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
> sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
> of
> the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance,
> trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
> Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
> in
> his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
> ultimate
> enemy was in his presence.
> So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
> The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
> 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
> 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
> 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
> 'Don't doubt it for one minute,' returned the old man, in an even
> tone.
> 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
> 'Nope,' said the old man.
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
> me?'
> The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years'.
!!!!!!!!!

liverbird!!
21-11-2008, 08:45 AM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her
all night, made love to her all the next day, made love
to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!





Why ???





OH, come on... take a guess !!!









Think about it !!!











You're going to love this !!!









Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!





Sorry!!!!

carpe diem
21-11-2008, 12:45 PM
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the

the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he
replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the
doctor in private."

The man replied, "Then you shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of
others,if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

carpe diem
21-11-2008, 12:52 PM
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to the supervisor of the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

No Name
21-11-2008, 12:53 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Mancunian are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Mancunian who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

carpe diem
21-11-2008, 12:57 PM
On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

No Name
21-11-2008, 01:01 PM
A Manc walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Manc said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

No Name
21-11-2008, 01:02 PM
Police cordoned off Manchester City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc

Juan
21-11-2008, 10:26 PM
One day Mr Ryan, the owner of the company,called his manager john to his office, and said.. "we are making some cutbacks..
so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off"
John said to his boss " Barbara is my best worker,and Jack has a wife+3 kids,
i dont know how to fire"

The next morning John waited for the two employees to arrive..
Barbara was the first to turn up for work.....
John said,"Barbara ive got a problem, and it goes like this you see...
ive got to lay you or Jack off..and i dont know what to do?
Barbara says " you better jack off.. ive got a headache."

south
22-11-2008, 08:46 PM
http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

Juan
23-11-2008, 11:23 AM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/scotland/7739669.stm

redrath
01-12-2008, 06:32 PM
A Liverpool and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the Pool fan "I agree" replies the United fan

The Liverpool fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the Liverpool fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the Liverpool fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."
Sorry :D

I know its old

redrath
01-12-2008, 06:32 PM
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Gooner he would see strutting down the side of the road in their crappy old red and white shirts.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Gooner walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle.

However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Gooner."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the idiot with the door!"

Just have not seen a joke thread in a while

redrath
01-12-2008, 06:51 PM
How do you kill a Circus?









Go straight for the juggler!! Boom Boom

Class HA:D

Andrew
03-12-2008, 06:48 PM
Unnecessary Censorship :D

D8Vh9_Hi1kY

callyno3
03-12-2008, 07:12 PM
I took the mother in law out last night.












































One punch. What a beauty !!:)

carpe diem
03-12-2008, 07:14 PM
Unnecessary Censorship :D


sorry mate but thats bordering along the lines of paedophelia,not really funny.but each to their own.:)

IrishRed1892
03-12-2008, 08:15 PM
sorry mate but thats bordering along the lines of paedophelia,not really funny.but each to their own.:) what?! that was brilliant!lol

carpe diem
03-12-2008, 08:44 PM
what?! that was brilliant!lol

HEHE im on my own with that one then :D

CHARMAC
10-12-2008, 02:44 PM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and Realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton
your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she
processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly
told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too. :D:D:D

MrsStevieG
10-12-2008, 10:00 PM
Before you go shopping for those gifts:D

http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx

Juan
11-12-2008, 03:25 PM
I was told that the Romanian for "ball" is "minge". how id love to have the perfect minge control!

Phil!
11-12-2008, 07:26 PM
Drink guy stumbles into a confession one day an the Priest asks him 'tell me your sins child' but there was no reply so he knocks on the divide. There is still no answer so he knocks yet again and there is still no answer so getting angry the Priest knocks a third time even louder this time!! Then there is a shout 'What the fck are you knockin for there is no toilet paper in here either!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

CHARMAC
12-12-2008, 09:34 PM
A woman is taking her five year old to school in the car, and end up following a bin lorry most of the way.
the bin lorry goes over a bump, and stuff flies out the back, one object being a big dildo that bounces off the windscreen.

'what was that' the kid cries.

'er, that was an insect luv' says the woman.

'christ, im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock that big!' replies the kid.

seaneire
18-12-2008, 05:22 PM
sorry if its already been posted.



8 Things Girls shud say to Guys.

(1)Im bored,lets shave my pussy.

(2)R u you sure u've had enough to drink.

(3)That fart was great,do another.

(4)Of course I swallow,I love it.

(5)No that's ok,u drink beer+watch porn.I'll do the washing up.

(6)Just for a change,put it in my arse.

(7)How about you get that girl from work to join us.

(8)Marriage? NO WAY.


Sadly Carlsberg don't do girlfriends........




But Thailand does:)

Juan
20-12-2008, 12:11 PM
True stories from the courtroom.
LAWYER; doctor,before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?
DOCTOR; no.
LAWYER; did you check for breathing?
DOCTOR; no.
LAWYER; so,then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
DOCTOR; no.
LAWYER; how can you be so sure doctor?
DOCTOR; because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER;but could the patient be still alive nonetheless?
DOCTOR; it is possible that he couldve been alive,and practising law somewhere !!! :)





LAWYER; what was the first thing your husband said to you, when he woke on that fateful morning?
WITNESS; he said "where am i cathy"
LAWYER; and why did that upset you?
WITNESS;"my name is susan"



LAWYER; officer,when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: yes.
LAWYER; did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
WITNESS;yes sir.
LAWYER; what did she say?
WITNESS; what disco am i at.

MrsStevieG
30-12-2008, 08:52 PM
THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to possible contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


THE RESPONSE:


Dear Mr. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are often unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

carpe diem
30-12-2008, 08:57 PM
absolute filth mrs stevie g,very good :D:D

No Name
31-12-2008, 02:15 AM
:D:D:D

Mrs.Stevie.G Class!!!! Class stuff! One of the best of the entire thread

STEVE1978
01-01-2009, 01:09 PM
Absolute cracker!!

fermoyred80
03-01-2009, 12:09 PM
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'

red1965
03-01-2009, 11:24 PM
2009 Hat so as another New Year approaches and gives us all an excuse to go a little wild here, yet again are the 2008 winners of a ‘world’ gone mad or should that just be a nation gone mad in the results of The Stella Awards ... have a read and a giggle for yourselves.







Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE :
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113, 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions ?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE:
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

redabbey
03-01-2009, 11:38 PM
Sorry to be the party pooper but as always never take everything you read on the net at face value all of the above could be hoaxes (http://www.trendmicro.com/vinfo/hoaxes/hoaxDetails.asp?HName=Stella+Awards+Hoax)

On this page there are 'the kind of urban hoaxes (http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/humor/Funny_Stuff.htm)' you just wish were true

Juan
07-01-2009, 07:43 PM
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,24883510-5001028,00.html.

carpe diem
07-01-2009, 07:47 PM
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,24883510-5001028,00.html.

what a wa*ker lmao

Juan
07-01-2009, 07:52 PM
what a wa*ker lmao

:D:D

jaza
10-01-2009, 04:14 PM
whats black and rhymes with snoop











Dr.Dre .

Oh dear

red1965
10-01-2009, 04:44 PM
One winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in northern Idaho were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later. while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

wonit5times
11-01-2009, 08:37 PM
A little girl is with her Daddy in the garden when she asks 'is that a Mummy Long Legs underneath that Daddy Long Legs?'

Dad said 'no sweetie there are no Mummy Long Legs'....

The Dad was feeling very proud of his inquisitive daughters mind when all of a sudden she stamped on the two Daddy Long Legs...

Shocked the father asked his daughter what she had done...

To which she replied...'We'll have none of that fcuking g-ay shit in our garden'...



The Misses wanted a green jumper for xmas.....

so i bought her a frog!!:p

wonit5times
11-01-2009, 08:39 PM
Little girl goes into her mummy in the kitchen and says "mummy,mummy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines???"

mother answers..." no dear whatever gave you that impression??"

Girl replies " well I was listening to daddy on the phone and he said he screwed the arse off his secretary last night"

liamo3
11-01-2009, 08:50 PM
This forum makes me laugh sometimes!

Monty
16-01-2009, 07:10 PM
A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house, again went to the
mail box and, again,opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' "

wonit5times
17-01-2009, 04:10 PM
Stevie Wonder was having a meal with Tiger Woods when he challenges Tiger to a round of golf.
"You can't be serious," said Tiger, without sounding rude. "You're blind, how do you know where your ball is?"
"I play with a ball with a bell in it," said Stevie. "I bet you $10 million that I can beat you."
"Okay then," said Tiger, "but we'll do it for charity. When do you want to do it?"
"Any night next week," says Stevie.

wonit5times
17-01-2009, 04:15 PM
There was 2 dwarfs pick-pocketed in O'Connell street last night


Police can't believe anyone could stoop so low.





Sure i took a viagra and a laxative last night, i didn't know whether i was coming or going.....

liverbird!!
22-01-2009, 08:47 AM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday
school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs
are white?'



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of
a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Anthony_1892
22-01-2009, 11:54 AM
whats does INRI on jesus's cross stand for ???????????????

Im Nailed Right In LMAO :)

liverbird!!
23-01-2009, 08:37 AM
Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known
as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED
once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems
appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel
that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention
of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you
can handle.

Sincerely,





Morning



Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.



We apologize for the inconvenience.

No Name
23-01-2009, 08:44 AM
:D:D:D

Haha Class! Nice one Mark!

Anthony_1892
23-01-2009, 09:51 AM
pure genius Mark :)

andyokellyo
23-01-2009, 09:53 AM
hahahaha

MrsStevieG
28-01-2009, 01:50 PM
The funniest letter of complaint ever....

http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/01/apparently-sir-richard-branson-thevirgin-bossthought-this-was-the-funniestletter-of-complaint-hed-ever-received------dear.html

DonHutchison2
28-01-2009, 04:08 PM
> > AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED.....


> > My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> >
> > asked, 'What's on TV?'
> > I said, 'Dust.'
> >
> >
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
> >
> > in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> > "No," she answered.
> > I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
> > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> > And then the fight started....
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> >
> > the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
> >
> > the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
> > wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
> >
> > radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
> > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> > bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
> > and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
> > My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
> > is out fishing in that?"
> > And that's how the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> > and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
> > you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
> > well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
> > He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
> >
> > !!!"
> > So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
> > And then the fight started.....
> >
> > *****************************************
> >
> > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> > She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> > seconds.'
> > I bought her some bathroom scales.
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> > expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> >
> > Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> > to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> > wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> >
> > to go home and come back later.
> >
> > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> >
> > curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> > enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
> > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> > Social Security office.
> >
> > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> > disability, too.'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> > kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> > nearby table.
> >
> > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> >
> > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> > drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> > hasn't been sober since.'>
> >
> > 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> > celebrating that long?'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> > order first.
> >
> > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
> > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
> > Nah, she can order for herself."
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ******************************************
> >
> > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> > She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> > horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> >
> > I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> >
> > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
> >
> > And then the fight started.....

DonHutchison2
28-01-2009, 04:08 PM
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

No Name
28-01-2009, 04:11 PM
The funniest letter of complaint ever....

http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/01/apparently-sir-richard-branson-thevirgin-bossthought-this-was-the-funniestletter-of-complaint-hed-ever-received------dear.html

Looks suspiciously like photos of Your own cooking there D !!:D

Funny stuff though! What a rant

EDIT: The writer just got a job from that letter you posted!! not kidding!:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/14556/

CHARMAC
28-01-2009, 05:01 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap."

"It was my first day with the hook." :o:D:D:D

MucklaghFC
28-01-2009, 05:09 PM
A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
:D:D

CHARMAC
28-01-2009, 05:14 PM
just bought my epelectic mate a strobe light for christmas.

he'll have a ****** fit when he sees it :D

Juan
30-01-2009, 11:43 PM
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2178440.ece

No Name
06-02-2009, 01:35 PM
... Man Utd manager Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over To Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man Utd are 2-0 down to Spurs with only 20 minutes left. The manager sends the young Iraqi striker on as substitute. The lad is a sensation, scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for United. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum...... 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!'

MrsStevieG
06-02-2009, 07:46 PM
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."

English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"

Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in
the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."

Rover 609
06-02-2009, 07:50 PM
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."

English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"

Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in
the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."

http://www.irishsentinel.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/ff.jpg

wonit5times
06-02-2009, 07:52 PM
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."

English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in
another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"

Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in
the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."

..

bobby benitez
06-02-2009, 10:03 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvSp3G5JC4

dont know how to link this properly. Check it out Scouse Sock Robbers.

IrishRed1892
06-02-2009, 10:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvSp3G5JC4

dont know how to link this properly. Check it out Scouse Sock Robbers.

haha brilliant!!:D:D havnt laughed that hard since. . .the spaced out kid video:D

dantheman23
09-02-2009, 09:29 PM
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'


* * * * * * * * * * *

Juan
10-02-2009, 09:15 PM
http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2009/02/08/31901_ntnews.html

Garrett
10-02-2009, 10:30 PM
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/9900/How+To+Confuse+An+Idiot/

Enjoy ;) :D

Fowler-9-
10-02-2009, 10:47 PM
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/9900/How+To+Confuse+An+Idiot/

Enjoy ;) :D

Ah fcuk ya in anyways lol:D:o

liverbird!!
12-02-2009, 09:27 AM
> > Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements Israeli
>
> > doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it inanother and
> he
> > was out looking for work in 6 months."
> > English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it
> inanother
> > and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"
> > Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in
> > theDail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."

Dub13
13-02-2009, 10:29 AM
The Gerry Ryan radio show was holding a competition (for one hour only) for the listeners' best jokes.

One Dublin bloke rang in with only 5 mins to the end of the show...

Caller: "An amazing thing happened to me recently. I had just bought a top of the range 67,000 pounds worth of Mercedes Benz. I was thrilled with the car. It had every extra. Revolving wheels, see-through windscreen, power assisted ash-tray, it was fully loaded."

Gerry: "That's very nice but, have you got a joke to tell or what?

Caller: "Hang on will you. You'll really love this; I drove out from the dealer and was driving down the road, when I noticed that there was no radio in the car. Can you imagine that? No feckin' radio in a car that cost me nearly seventy grand! So I turned right around and headed back."

Gerry: "Get on with it will you, I've only a couple of minutes left and we've to squeeze in an ad break too."

Caller: "Relax. I guarantee you this is brilliant. So anyway, I go back to the salesman and ask him where's the bleedin' radio and that it better not be extra. He started laughing and told me that there was, in fact, state of the art voice activated radio fitted in the car. He showed me how it worked. It was UNBELIEVABLE! All you have to do is say 'radio on' and it turns on, radio off' and it turns off. It's bleedin' magic. You say 'Ballads' and it plays Ballads, 'Rock 'n' Roll' and a rock & roll station comes on. I've never seen anything like it."

Gerry: "You're wasting our feckin' time here, I'll have to move on and try to fit in a quickie before the end of the show."

Caller: "Hang on Gerry I'm nearly finished."

Gerry: "Just finish it will you."

Caller: "So I drove off again even happier than earlier on. Then you won't believe what happened. This idiot passed me on the outside and clipped me bumper on his way back in. 'Stupid B0ll*x!' I shouted and you'll never guess what happened."

Gerry: "What happened?"

Caller: "The Gerry Ryan Show came on the feckin' radio."

The caller was cut-off....

Millhouse
17-02-2009, 09:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wL340nW9lA

Funny shit

Not sure it's linked correctly so if not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wL340nW9lA

IrishRed1892
17-02-2009, 11:09 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wL340nW9lA

Funny shit

Not sure it's linked correctly so if not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wL340nW9lA

:D:D:D:D haha kwaliteeee

RastaRed
18-02-2009, 04:06 PM
:)CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr.
KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply Stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an Inexpensive vibrator.

RANGERS FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool.
Hey presto! Toffee.


MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

liverbird!!
19-02-2009, 08:51 AM
'The Obedient Wife'
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. L

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down

and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'



You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'


'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all together, put it into my account,

and wrote him a Cheque....

If he can cash it,

then he can spend it.'

liverbird!!
19-02-2009, 08:52 AM
Drink Driving...

THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland .

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

liverbird!!
19-02-2009, 11:00 AM
Mornin' Ber
Here's a wee story to start yer day ..................

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church.





One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.



He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.


During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'





All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'


All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?'





Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
cock?'



Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


The priest fainted.

RastaRed
19-02-2009, 02:53 PM
:)Brian Cowen today announced that he is changing our emblem from a shamrock to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

CHARMAC
22-02-2009, 02:03 PM
Two lads sitting at the bar, Bill says to Bob, I think I'm going to devorce my wife she has'nt talked to in six months, Bob replies I'd think about that again bill, women like that are hard to find ;)

Garrett
22-02-2009, 06:42 PM
Lol :d

IrishRed1892
23-02-2009, 08:50 PM
A blonde got a job teaching in a primary school.

She decided to go outside at lunch time and watch the children play.

She saw a group of kids playing with a ball but she noticed there was one kid stood over by the wall, just watching the others.

She went over and said to him "You know you can go play with the others im sure they wouldnt mind, and if your being bullied you just tell me alright?"

The boy replied "I know i can but I'm the fcuking keeper!!"

CHARMAC
25-02-2009, 01:26 PM
I went to get some money out of an ATM this morning but the machine refused my request stating insufficient funds I thought to myself was that me or the bank :confused: ;)

Millhouse
26-02-2009, 10:19 AM
Received this as an email while back - Funny Funny. Well worth the read if ya haven't seen it before...Sorry if it's been posted already!



As heard on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win."

What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch ones..... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?







Sara: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

RedRuairi
28-02-2009, 08:12 AM
That last one is an absolute classic.... but this morning the Dyslexia Association's protest march to the DAIL ended in chaos when half of them ended up at ALDI!!! :D

Sorry if anyone has been offended

MrsPepe
28-02-2009, 10:56 AM
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.



The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'



'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'
Demanded the Irishman indignantly.. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?



The assistant said: 'Well, no.'



Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.



'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'



'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.



So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?







The assistant replies: 'Because you're in Homebase'

MR KING KENNY
28-02-2009, 12:29 PM
:D Good one!!
good onealright

MR KING KENNY
28-02-2009, 12:48 PM
this bloke was working for an post in the mail room, the week before christmas he comes across this letter with no address, but it was made out to GOD, so the bloke opens the letter and has a look, inside the letter said.
dear god can you please help me, im 87 years old widow, and all i have is 100euro to my name, but yesterday, 2 men robbed my hand bag, and now ive nothing.
please god can you help me, my grandkids are coming over for christmas dinner, and now ive no money to feed my family on christmas day, please god help me.

when the bloke in the mail room seen this, he was over come, and went around the mailroom showing people the letter, so everyone put there hands in there pocket, and by the end of the day he raised 96 euro and posted it back to the old lady.
a week later a letter came back in, and again no address, so everyone knew it was from the old lady, so all the people in the mailroom got together and had a look, it said
dear god thank you so much, it was the best christmas dinner ive ever had, my family had a great christmas aswell, thank you god, but god, there was only 96euro in the letter you sent back , i bet you them wankers in an post done a stroke.

Millhouse
02-03-2009, 02:52 PM
That last one is an absolute classic.... but this morning the Dyslexia Association's protest march to the DAIL ended in chaos when half of them ended up at ALDI!!! :D

Sorry if anyone has been offended

Now thats a classic!

liverbird!!
03-03-2009, 09:41 AM
A Blonde was weed-eating her yard

and accidentally cut off the tail

of her cat

which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat,

along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART???



HELLOOOOOOOOO!?



WALMART

is the largest

RETAILER

in the world!!!:D

STEVE1978
03-03-2009, 02:16 PM
a blonde was weed-eating her yard

and accidentally cut off the tail

of her cat

which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat,

along with the tail over to wal-mart!


Why wal-mart???



Hellooooooooo!?



Walmart

is the largest

retailer

in the world!!!:d
Good one mark!!

MR KING KENNY
04-03-2009, 01:37 AM
did you hear about the 2 gay ghosts?



they gave each other the willies

Andrew
06-03-2009, 02:24 PM
KmkVWuP_sO0

IrishRed1892
06-03-2009, 05:07 PM
kmkvwup_so0

mega lolz:d

RedRuairi
10-03-2009, 01:04 PM
What have pee'ing yourself and friendship got in common?

It's there for all to see but only you can feel the true warmth:D

dantheman23
16-03-2009, 05:51 PM
Chris Kirkland believes his Wigan team-mate Titus Bramble is worthy of a call-up to Fabio Capello's England squad. :D


-----------------------------------------------

FORMER Celtic star Chris Sutton was involved in a foul-mouthed bustup with a schoolboy referee.

The ex-Parkhead hitman stormed on to the pitch after his son was hacked down in the penalty box during an under-14s derby match.

He turned the air blue when the rival player was not sent off despite the 16-year-old ref awarding a spot-kick.

The father-of-five, 36, only left the field after the shaken young official threatened to call the match off.

Sutton - Celtic's record signing when he joined from Chelsea for s6million in 2000 - faces a Football Association investigation and could be banned from the pitch-side.

Sutton's agent Tony McGill said yesterday: "Chris was angry because the kid said he was going to do it beforehand.

"The first time he tried he missed and the second time he went over the top and took his son out.

"All Chris said was it was a disgraceful effing tackle. He didn't approach the boy who made the tackle, he spoke to the referee.

"Give Chris a break - if it was my son I would have given the boy a clip round the ear. He did something any parent would do."

But other parents at last week's match between Sheringham Warriors and Sutton Jr's Sheringham Youth in Norfolk criticised the retired striker for losing his cool. The fixture was being played under the FA's Respect programme.

The scheme was launched last year to combat unacceptable behaviour in football - for both players and pitch-side supporters.

A parent at the match said: "The referee correctly gave a penalty but Sutton believed the youngster should have been sent off.

"He confronted the referee and there was a bit of swearing in front of the young players. Someone like Sutton should have been setting an example to the youngsters.

"He was behaving like a typical angry dad and should have kept his mouth shut."

Despite the 84th minute penalty, Sheringham Youth lost the match 5-3.

Norfolk County FA football administration officer Richard King said: "We have had a referee's report and other reports about the match Chris Sutton attended last weekend.

"In due course, a charge will be levelled against Mr Sutton."

MR KING KENNY
16-03-2009, 06:55 PM
heres one,
ask your friend to spell YES
then ask him to put an E before the YES
then ask him to spell it out E-Y-E-S
andask him to say it out,
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
but really you spell it like eyes like what you use to see with:D

MR KING KENNY
17-03-2009, 04:01 AM
516

vodkacolly
17-03-2009, 03:23 PM
Funniest vid in a long time (if youve seen 2nd Matrix movie)

LtfQVCY8idE&eurl

MR KING KENNY
19-03-2009, 02:24 AM
dont worry wanyne, we'll get them back next season
this might cheer up:D:eek:

MR KING KENNY
19-03-2009, 02:59 AM
This appeared on youtube a few days ago:
http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x165/BRIAN1056/2612pe8.png
lol

MR KING KENNY
24-03-2009, 01:42 PM
this bloke just turned 21 and all his life he stayed in his room, study, books lets just say the bloke had no life. so for his 21st his old pair said lets get him drunk and laid, sure he's 21 now, so they brought him down the local, had a few jars, and a few more, "mammy my head is starting to spin" ah dont worry she said, then this lady walks over to him, "hows it going, want to come back to my place...... the bloke ask's his dad. "is all right if i go back, " go on son, go for it its your birthday.
the bloke goes back to her place, and said im sorry ive never done any thing like this before, the girl had a smile on her face, " dont worry i'll tell you what to do, 1st stick your lad in my pussy and move in and out real fast, so the bloke is going like the clappers, "yyyeeeeaaaahhhh this is great" what else can we do, how about a 69er she said, "whats a 69er" he said, well you lick my pussy and i'll suck your dick at the same time. ok. so she sits on his face while sucking away then she lets a big fart out, "what the ****, you smelly cow, why would you do that, im going home" the girl beg's him to stay, " please stay your really good at this, please" the bloke replies " **** of love i would not be able to handle another 68 of those things

F@ces
24-03-2009, 02:38 PM
Funniest vid in a long time (if youve seen 2nd Matrix movie)

LtfQVCY8idE&eurl

That is hilarious! I love the way they just keep coming out of nowhere :D

vodkacolly
24-03-2009, 07:14 PM
Diesel's "safe for work" ad.
Not sure if this was posted before. My favourite bit is the guy dialling the phone...:D

xCcwDk6KHKo

LOU2
25-03-2009, 10:37 AM
absolutuly love this vidhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc (http:// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc)

callyno3
25-03-2009, 10:41 AM
absolutuly love this vidhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc (http:// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc)


Cant get anything on that link Lou.

LOU2
25-03-2009, 10:43 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc

hope this works

CHARMAC
25-03-2009, 07:27 PM
An englishman an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the barman says is this a joke :)

CHARMAC
25-03-2009, 07:51 PM
An Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman are out for a walk on a country road when a sheep runs across the road, it trys to jump through a hedge but gets caught half way through leaving it's butt sticking out, the Englishman says I wish that was Angelina Jolie, the Irishman says I wish that was Penelope Cruz, the Welshman says I wish it was dark :D

MrsStevieG
26-03-2009, 11:07 PM
="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/e3vEOSkk5AM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/e3vEOSkk5AM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

dantheman23
26-03-2009, 11:18 PM
ouch!!!


http://mail.google.com/mail/?attid=0.1&disp=emb&view=att&th=120300bd7d3d3ff0

dantheman23
26-03-2009, 11:21 PM
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

RastaRed
03-04-2009, 11:41 AM
BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS

Man City have agreed to sell Shaun Wright Philips to Madonna for an undisclosed fee :rolleyes:

Kev03
03-04-2009, 12:45 PM
I was sent to Dunnes Stores to buy as much alcohol as I could for €250 for my mates party. I brought a calculator and added all the alcohol i put in the trolly until it came to a little less than the €250, I then asked my friend to put a pack of nappies on the back of the trolly. When the lady scanned it all in because of the nappies it came to a few euro's over the €250. I started to count out the money and the lady began to realise I only had €250. I checked every pocket . .shook my head and then looked at my mate and told him 'take back the nappies' the lady nearly cried.

Another time I went to a pet shop and was looking at the pet hamsters, the lady in the shop came up to me and took one out of the cage and started to pet it telling me that they were lovely and cute and all that, I looked at her and said ' I don't care what he looks like I am buying him to feed my pet snake' she put the hamster as quick as a flash into the cage and only realised when my brother went into hesterics that I was joking. . .

byrnetred
03-04-2009, 05:03 PM
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations in Swindon

These are genuine responses from 16 year olds

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, O,U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

MrsPepe
09-04-2009, 07:49 AM
An Ethical Test


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


Here it comes...

You are a photo-journalist for a major Irish Newspaper.

You are in Ireland, working around Dublin.

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wp3f24f5a5.jpg

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wpa473662b_1b.jpg

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wp91941369_1b.jpg

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down by the swirling flow.

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wpfc5fdfd3.jpg

Somehow, the man looks familiar...You suddenly realize who it is...

It's Brian Cowen!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever!

You think to yourself, you can save the life of Brian Cowen, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION!

and please give an honest answer...........













Would you select a high contrast colour shot, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


A?

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wp7bc85a4a.jpg


B?

http://www.thedailystuff.ie/_wp_generated/wpd1071fff.jpg

Jockser
09-04-2009, 11:46 AM
Check this out, unbelievable :D
But does the smelly feline flush!?!? Not a chence!!! :D


p943wK0tSWQ

Anthony_1892
09-04-2009, 02:59 PM
Check this out, unbelievable :D
But does the smelly feline flush!?!? Not a chence!!! :D


p943wK0tSWQ

why are you browsing for cats taking a shit ???

is this a weird new fettish ???? :)

Jockser
09-04-2009, 03:45 PM
yes this is craze taking the world by storm!! :)

Joedared
11-04-2009, 06:51 PM
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on
a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and
the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or
in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it
myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexu@lly
active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
m@sturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your s*x life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a w@nker.

funniest thing i've read on this site yet must use that down the pub tonight

Juan
17-04-2009, 11:47 PM
A mate of mine went fishing last week,and proceeded to catch a load of mackerel. which he then offered a few to me.... i asked him were they gutted? to which he replied.."no, id say they were a bit dissapointed though":p

Podgecheco
17-04-2009, 11:49 PM
Whats brown and blue and swings through the jungle?

A monkey in a denim jacket

Podgecheco
18-04-2009, 12:01 AM
And


<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YSbOMzzXamY&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YSbOMzzXamY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Monty
18-04-2009, 12:03 AM
Whats brown and blue and swings through the jungle?

A monkey in a denim jacket

Heard it before on another thread:D;)

jaza
18-04-2009, 06:37 PM
:D

IrishRed1892
18-04-2009, 06:43 PM
Haha "I'm the only person in this room that I know of that's proffesional enough to handle a gun" . . . BANG!

dantheman23
18-04-2009, 10:42 PM
this is the real reason he packed in international football, wouldn't you if you had to sit there for an hour and a half


http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg248/strots9/n509956770_678694_4443.jpg?t=1240090539

RedMurph08
19-04-2009, 03:11 PM
GREENER GRASS.........


http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/1226/att0000411b.jpg (http://img24.imageshack.us/my.php?image=att0000411b.jpg)




And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......



Not everyone who shows up...

Is there to help you!!!!



http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/8923/att0000522.jpg (http://img58.imageshack.us/my.php?image=att0000522.jpg)

Juan
20-04-2009, 08:28 PM
Newcasle Fans have a plan!

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/-newcastle-fans-to-pretend-championship-is-premier-league-200904201712/

zed
23-04-2009, 12:42 PM
I went to the doctors yesterday. It turns out my GP reckons I’m paranoid. He didn’t say it, but I know he’s thinking it.

zed
23-04-2009, 12:43 PM
Just got back from the shops. I thought I saw a brand of bread named after you, but when I put my glasses on it said THICK CUTS.

zed
23-04-2009, 12:44 PM
I was checking into this hotel last week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said to the receptionist, “I hope the porn channel is disabled.”
It’s unbelievable what some people are into.

Rover 609
23-04-2009, 09:54 PM
Probably as old as the hills but sur i just got a text tonight said id stick it up.

cristiano ronaldo goes in to the doctors and complains" doc every time i look in the mirror i get aroused,im worried why is that?"

Doc replies "cos your a cun't,thats why!!".

I thought it was funny anyway.

cakesnjelly
24-04-2009, 07:08 PM
It was a Sunday morning and four IK'ers were at the first tee. JC23 said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my missus tonight."

Rafamilne said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."

"Ha!" said Steve, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."

Liverbird said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."

MR KING KENNY
28-04-2009, 04:38 PM
It was a Sunday morning and four IK'ers were at the first tee. JC23 said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my missus tonight."

Rafamilne said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."

"Ha!" said Steve, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."

Liverbird said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."
lol

MR KING KENNY
28-04-2009, 04:39 PM
m3kDgUk2PY0

fermoyred80
29-04-2009, 06:47 PM
> > How a marriage works
> >
> > All men should read this!!!
> >
> >
> >
> > A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
> > husband,
> > although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
> > party
> > with his old buddies .
> >
> > So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
> >
> > 'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
> >
> > 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
> >
> > The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
> >
> > She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
> > 25
> > different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
> > Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
> >
> > The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
> > could
> > think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
> > know...they
> > have
> > frozen glasses...'
> >
> > He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
> > interrupted
> > him
> > by saying,
> >
> > 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
> >
> > She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
> > was
> > getting chills just holding it.
> >
> > The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at
> > the
> > Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
> > won't
> > be
> > long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
> >
> > You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
> > took
> > out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
> > blankets,
> > mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
> >
> > 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
> > dirty words and all that...'
> >
> > 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your
> > Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are
> > Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it,
> > Asshole?'
> >
> > So he stayed home............
> > ........and, they lived happily ever after.
> >
> >
> > Now, isn't that a sweet story?

MR KING KENNY
29-04-2009, 06:56 PM
> > How a marriage works
> >
> > All men should read this!!!
> >
> >
> >
> > A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
> > husband,
> > although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
> > party
> > with his old buddies .
> >
> > So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
> >
> > 'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
> >
> > 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
> >
> > The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
> >
> > She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
> > 25
> > different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
> > Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
> >
> > The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
> > could
> > think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
> > know...they
> > have
> > frozen glasses...'
> >
> > He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
> > interrupted
> > him
> > by saying,
> >
> > 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
> >
> > She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
> > was
> > getting chills just holding it.
> >
> > The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at
> > the
> > Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
> > won't
> > be
> > long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
> >
> > You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
> > took
> > out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
> > blankets,
> > mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
> >
> > 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
> > dirty words and all that...'
> >
> > 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your
> > Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are
> > Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it,
> > Asshole?'
> >
> > So he stayed home............
> > ........and, they lived happily ever after.
> >
> >
> > Now, isn't that a sweet story?
lol ****ing gas

liverbird!!
01-05-2009, 11:38 AM
This is funny as fcuk!

3N01v-VCpYw

liverbird!!
01-05-2009, 11:42 AM
It was a Sunday morning and four IK'ers were at the first tee. JC23 said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my missus tonight."

Rafamilne said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."

"Ha!" said Steve, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."

Liverbird said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."


Ha ha ha!!!

She'll really said you can have a shot at my holes later on!:D

MutantNinjaSkrtel
01-05-2009, 12:58 PM
i went to the doctors yesterday. It turns out my gp reckons i’m paranoid. He didn’t say it, but i know he’s thinking it.

i was checking into this hotel last week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said to the receptionist, “i hope the porn channel is disabled.”
it’s unbelievable what some people are into.

:d:d:d

RedRuairi
01-05-2009, 01:00 PM
This is funny as fcuk!

3N01v-VCpYw

pi$$in myself laughing at this :D:D:D:D:D:D

Monty
01-05-2009, 05:26 PM
Blonde rings hubby:

'I've run out of petrol but I'm afraid to fill up because of the Swine Flu.'

Hubby replies, 'fooking stupid bitch, it's in Mexico not Texaco.'

fermoyred80
08-05-2009, 04:14 PM
Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate!!!!

MrsStevieG
08-05-2009, 04:51 PM
LOVE YOU TOO

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this
Guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

Liverpool-law
08-05-2009, 04:55 PM
Bob was completely henpecked once he got married and he was never allowed out with the lads for a few pints at the weekend.

One weekend a couple of years into the marriage, the wife finally allows him out for a few drinks but insists he wears the good jumper she gave him for his birthday. He's so happy to be in the pub with his mates that he tears into the drink. Of course he can't hold his drink being so out of practice and he ends up puking all over his good jumper. Bob's in a panic saying "the wife'sh gonna kill me, I've ruined the jumper, whas am I gonna do??"

One of his mates says "don't worry Bob, just hold on to €5 from the allowance she's given you and say one of us got sick on your jumper and we gave you €5 for the drycleaning." Bob's happy enough with that and continues drinking for another few hours, getting even more blathered...

A couple of hours later Bob turns up on his doorstep at home completely out of it. The wife is disgusted with him and says "I knew I shouldn't have let you go out, you're drunk and you've thrown up on your beautiful new jumper". Bob says "ah no, I'm fine, it washn't me, it was one of the ladsh got shick on me, look, he gave me a fiver for the dry-cleanersh and everything". She looks at him and says "what about the fiver in your other hand?"

Bob looks at the €5 in his other hand and says "oh yeah, another one of the ladsh sh*t in my pantsh on the way home..."

edcarroll02
08-05-2009, 05:13 PM
I went to the doctors yesterday. It turns out my GP reckons I’m paranoid. He didn’t say it, but I know he’s thinking it.

Funniest joke i've heard in a long time, really is brilliant!

IrishRed1892
09-05-2009, 10:33 PM
http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/05/11/cartoons/090511_cartoon_5_a14134_p465.gif

arklowred
12-05-2009, 03:05 PM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along..'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey:D:D

STEVE1978
12-05-2009, 03:14 PM
Pmsl

edcarroll02
12-05-2009, 03:22 PM
I apologise for this in advance:

What did Beyonce say to the kid that lost his balloon?















If you like it then you should have put a string on it!

MR KING KENNY
12-05-2009, 03:48 PM
joLiy5MtlVY

RedMurph08
12-05-2009, 05:44 PM
What did Stephen Hawkins say when his computer broke down???

















































Nothing :D:D

barrydoherty
12-05-2009, 09:05 PM
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/images/2009/0508/frontpageimage.jpg

http://www.independent.ie/multimedia/archive/00318/rugbyqueen_indo_318982t.jpg

Haha :D

Juan
12-05-2009, 09:07 PM
Caption for the above.... anyone? :)

Podgecheco
12-05-2009, 09:09 PM
http://www.independent.ie/multimedia/archive/00318/rugbyqueen_indo_318982t.jpg

like a teenage disco, "will ya gwan wi him?"

barrydoherty
12-05-2009, 09:50 PM
Sorry If any Posted before


What do you call a Manu fan with half a brain?

Gifted.


What does a Chelsea fan do after watching his team win the Champions league?

Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.



As reported by BBC news, there were major robberies in 4 footballers' houses.

Steven Gerrard lost his European Cup,

Wayne Rooney lost his Carling Cup,

Frank Lampard lost his FA Cup,

And Tim Cahill lost his Microwave.




Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football Match in London.
At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment,
the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..




A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”

The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

jordo333
13-05-2009, 11:25 AM
http://www.kontraband.co.uk/pics/17501/Fresh-Confession/

jordo333
13-05-2009, 11:27 AM
http://www.kontraband.co.uk/pics/17501/Fresh-Confession/

MR KING KENNY
13-05-2009, 11:31 AM
:(

danman
13-05-2009, 11:52 AM
Ronaldo having a gay moment.........



http://i40.tinypic.com/30sa4b8.gif

EDIT: sorry, didn't realise this was already posted.

Millhouse
13-05-2009, 12:50 PM
ARE 'bad taste' jokes allowed in here? It's awful funny!

zed
13-05-2009, 12:58 PM
A little boy at a wedding asks his mum, "Mummy, why does the girl wear white?" His mum replies, "Because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Daz
13-05-2009, 01:14 PM
ARE 'bad taste' jokes allowed in here? It's awful funny!

If in doubt, don;t post it!!!

Coolfran
13-05-2009, 01:15 PM
I apologise for this in advance:

What did Beyonce say to the kid that lost his balloon?





If you like it then you should have put a string on it!


On a similar vein;

What did Jay-Z say when his ice cream van broke down?






I got 99 problems.............

RedRuairi
13-05-2009, 02:22 PM
A guy phoned into a radio show to say his Sat Nav was broken. Apparently he had typed in Chelsea, and it said was "2 mins from Rome"

arklowred
13-05-2009, 11:53 PM
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

Rover 609
14-05-2009, 12:00 AM
What are the 3 dolls in a mans life?

1 his little un......baby doll

2 his mistress....barbie doll

3 the wife.....panadoll.

gav003
14-05-2009, 04:11 AM
On a similar vein;

What did Jay-Z say when his ice cream van broke down?






I got 99 problems.............

Similar one here-

How do annoy lady gaga






















poke her face

Rebelred80
14-05-2009, 07:04 AM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.* Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
*
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
*
'Arrgh!* What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
*
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
*
A year goes by and the golfer is back.* On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
*
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
*
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'* He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
*
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.* And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
*
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.* 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
*
'I did that fer ye also.'
*
'And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
*
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
*
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
*
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Paddser
14-05-2009, 03:16 PM
I love that lad! Cheers Daz :D

RedRuairi
14-05-2009, 03:23 PM
Oh sweet lord....I'm sure someone luvs him :D

No Name
14-05-2009, 04:26 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do
that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

liverbird!!
14-05-2009, 05:18 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do
that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'


:D:D

Redsfan
14-05-2009, 05:31 PM
What did Spock see when he went to the jacks?


The captain's log!

liverbird!!
15-05-2009, 08:58 AM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor
1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor
3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking..


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

liverbird!!
15-05-2009, 08:59 AM
PRICELESS

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

No Name
15-05-2009, 09:00 AM
PRICELESS

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

haha, class!! :D

liverbird!!
15-05-2009, 02:15 PM
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed ....

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'






MORAL OF THE STORY


Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men....are men

MrsStevieG
15-05-2009, 02:33 PM
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed ....

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'






MORAL OF THE STORY


Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men....are men

Brilliant! And so true:D

fermoyred80
15-05-2009, 03:46 PM
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....


'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

Redsfan
16-05-2009, 01:08 AM
A man is driving down the road and suddenly ploughs in to the back of another car. The man gets out of his car and to his amazement, a dwarf gets out of the other car. The dwarf then says " Im not happy" to which the driver responds "Well which one are you then?"

liverbird!!
18-05-2009, 09:25 AM
MALE .VS.
FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing
new
Drive-through Cash machines enabling
customers to
withdraw cash without leaving
their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility
are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when
accessing their accounts.

After months of careful
research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have
been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps
for
your gender..'

*******************************
MALE
PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your
car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter
amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6.. Put window up.
7. Drive
off.


*******************************


FEMALE
PROCEDURE:
most of this part
is the
Truth.!!!!


1.
Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the
required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Apply
handbrake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile
phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to
insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the
car.
8. Insert card.
9.
Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find
diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press
cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash
required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve
cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse
and place
cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in debit note book
and
place receipt in back of note book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19.
Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve
card.
22.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male
driver
waiting behind you.
24.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell
phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release
handbrake.


SEND
THIS TO A MAN WHO
NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE LADIES YOU
THINK
CAN HANDLE IT!

Timmyonions
18-05-2009, 09:56 AM
Subject: Story by a real Man standing in a queue in Tesco's

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??



Thats fooking quality man one of the funniest storys i`ve ever heard didn`t see that coming,class

arklowred
18-05-2009, 03:58 PM
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and
a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday
night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out
here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking'..'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years
in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom,
warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Podgecheco
18-05-2009, 04:00 PM
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and
a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday
night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out
here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking'..'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years
in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom,
warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

nice one

Timmyonions
18-05-2009, 04:16 PM
how do you annoy lady gaga?

poke r face :)

fermoyred80
20-05-2009, 12:59 PM
651

harrybosch
20-05-2009, 01:47 PM
how do you annoy lady gaga?

poke r face :)

how do you make her smile again???


Just Dance.....





Ill get my coat

Juan
22-05-2009, 12:15 PM
656 A very bold boy:) is this you?

fermoyred80
27-05-2009, 12:29 PM
SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2008

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.









5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'






4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'







3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.







2nd Place

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and s******ing.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.








SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008



A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

STEVE1978
28-05-2009, 04:11 AM
SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2008

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.















SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008



A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

:D:D

Liverpool-law
28-05-2009, 09:16 AM
The Champions League Final

arklowred
01-06-2009, 11:19 PM
http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/5302/pic31060.jpg

arklowred
01-06-2009, 11:51 PM
Monica Lewinsky's back!

http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/9198/att00000.jpg

Always twirl once in front of the mirror....

http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/8505/att1541569.jpg

Doctor's Reception.....

http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/9173/img0001j.jpg

Bridge to Hawaii....
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

zed
04-06-2009, 12:11 AM
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

No Name
05-06-2009, 01:01 PM
Ian Brady says to the prison guard "I'm pissed off, I haven't had a holiday in years!"
To which the guard says "Come off it Brady, a few years back we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had 3 days up there - all those wide open spaces and fresh clean air".
Brady replies "Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet?".

No Name
05-06-2009, 01:03 PM
How do you get a Granny to shout out "CNUT"?

Get another one to shout "BINGO"!!

No Name
05-06-2009, 01:05 PM
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single

No Name
05-06-2009, 01:10 PM
Did you hear about Gary Glitter's latest holiday destination?

He's going to Tampa with the kids

fermoyred80
11-06-2009, 07:08 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"



He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story) I LOVE IT!

liverbird!!
12-06-2009, 09:28 AM
Something fo lunch??








http://image001.jpg

Juan
21-06-2009, 02:51 PM
NjrIzbpkABU

MutantNinjaSkrtel
21-06-2009, 03:15 PM
NjrIzbpkABU

:D :D :D


Their reactions are priceless!

RedMurph08
22-06-2009, 06:34 PM
Taken from elsewhere: :)




Why I fired my Secretary....

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up this morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two vodkas each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. what do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there.....on the couch.....Naked!!!

MrsPepe
22-06-2009, 06:38 PM
:D:D

MR KING KENNY
22-06-2009, 06:43 PM
NjrIzbpkABU
fcuking gas

MR KING KENNY
23-06-2009, 01:09 PM
zgovSQv1SXM

liverbird!!
30-06-2009, 11:50 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOOKER!









A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we married I was a hooker for 8 years."


The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'


She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . ..

ellyfitz
30-06-2009, 01:56 PM
Great story feckin hilarious !!!!!

fermoyred80
02-07-2009, 01:42 PM
NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN



NAME _________________________



NICK-NAME ____________________


GANG NAME ____________________


1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for EUR300 and 90
grams to Tomo for EUR90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?


2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royid, how many royids per
day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?


3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for EUR7,000 to make a
20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?


4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got EUR350,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out of the 'Joy? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will
Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?


5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22m2 and the average letter is 1
square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can
of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?


6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph,
Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun,
how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?






SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN


NAME


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________



__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


___________________________________ (if longer, please continue on a separate sheet




SCHOOL : __________________________________________________ ______________________________


DADDY'S COMPANY : __________________________________________________ __________________


1. Julian smashes up the old man's cor, causing x amount of damage and killing, loike, three
people? The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his
insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times
the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of cor is Julian driving
now?


2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the
designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a
return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she, like, thick or what?


3. Roly fancies the orse off a certain number of torts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left
to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever, like, going to shag the
other two-thirds and shit?


4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only
throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et
Gabbana.. How much does liposuction cost?


5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the
other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners, however he only has access to the
Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

MrsPepe
02-07-2009, 05:51 PM
brilliant:D

The Chanter
03-07-2009, 12:56 PM
it was inevitable that ronaldo would follow kaka to madrid; it's common knowledge that a good brazilian is followed by an irritating c*nt!

Juan
03-07-2009, 04:15 PM
I would'nt be pleased if this happened in my house:(
Tfn89Jc1l_c

But if they were out playing..Hmmm..:p:D

Millhouse
06-07-2009, 12:39 PM
I would'nt be pleased if this happened in my house:(
Tfn89Jc1l_c

But if they were out playing..Hmmm..:p:D



Mrs. DelFonti you dirty biatch!

fermoyred80
06-07-2009, 03:44 PM
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ....

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of ****in one?'

serpheus
07-07-2009, 10:32 AM
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

arklowred
09-07-2009, 10:58 AM
Lawyer with a heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

CHRIS1892
11-07-2009, 11:54 PM
Unbelievable....... Barcelona fielded an unregistered player in 2 CL games which means they could actually be disqualified. That would make Man Ure champions by default. Check it out on SS site!!! Man Ure appealed to UEFA this evening, & if their claim is upheld it will mean they're champions of Europe again.









Carlsberg don't do texts for delusional Man Ure fans.......... but if they did this would probably have been the best text in the world!!!!!!!!

liverbird!!
13-07-2009, 10:25 AM
In South Los Angeles , a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious.

They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera.

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire

and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief said,





















"Simple --- they were at work."

liverbird!!
13-07-2009, 10:32 AM
A PLANE ANSWER

A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

liverbird!!
13-07-2009, 10:34 AM
A Tallaght girl goes to the council to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Tallaght girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne,Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Tallaght girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"


A Tallaght girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."


Tallaght Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


A Tallaght girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK" .
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Killanarden, bud."


A Tallaght girl was driving down the M50 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M50. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Tallaght girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"


Another Tallaght girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "What's you name?"
Sharon: "Sharon"
Medic: "Where do you live?"
Sharon: "Tallaght"
Medic: "Ok Sharon. How many fingers have I got up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

liverbird!!
13-07-2009, 10:37 AM
The Vicar's Salary


At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.


There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'


More sighs and loud applause.


Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'


There is total silence.


The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'


Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.

No Name
13-07-2009, 10:41 AM
A PLANE ANSWER

A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

:D:D

Nice one Mark!

CHARMAC
14-07-2009, 08:37 PM
A PLANE ANSWER

A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

http://instantrimshot.com/

LFC_Mark
14-07-2009, 08:49 PM
DXHaCEhOiWU

zed
16-07-2009, 03:54 AM
xV6_7otLBRE

liverbird!!
16-07-2009, 02:34 PM
This is good!

bVQEf3FXPlA

Tilly
16-07-2009, 02:56 PM
very good!

fermoyred80
16-07-2009, 04:18 PM
I took my Grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My Grandad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

stevieg
16-07-2009, 06:13 PM
A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's

Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled

In, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and

Bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or

Vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business.

I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the

United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had

Ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a

Meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience

To debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are

Those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is

That African-American men are the most well endowed when, in

Fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely

To possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French

Men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of

Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential

Lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really

Shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even

Know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but

My friends call me Paddy.'

JFT96YNWA
16-07-2009, 10:53 PM
I took my Grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My Grandad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

rofl :D

MR KING KENNY
17-07-2009, 01:25 AM
I took my Grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My Grandad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
classic, pmsl

CHRIS1892
18-07-2009, 12:56 AM
Paddy goes to the doctor. 'Doc, every time I go to the loo it goes everywhere, it's embarrassing, especially in public toilets. 'Drop your trousers & let me check it out. Paddy drops them & the doc has a look & stares at him bemused. "You don't play darts? 'No' said Paddy, why? Because in all my years I've never seen anything like this, it's full of tiny holes, thought you might have kept your darts in your pocket'. The doc takes out his notepad & scribbles down some details & hands them to Paddy. go & see this fella he'll sort you out no problem. Paddy said,'Is he a specialist'? The doc said, no he's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it!

STEVE1978
18-07-2009, 05:06 AM
I took my Grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My Grandad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Fookin brilliant:D

red1965
18-07-2009, 09:40 PM
Why wedding dresses are white....


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

MrsPepe
20-07-2009, 08:15 AM
Black Test1cles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,



wearing an oxygen mask over his



mouth and nose,



still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

test1cles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

test1cles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

test1cles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely..... .

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

MrsPepe
20-07-2009, 08:19 AM
Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

MrsPepe
20-07-2009, 08:22 AM
Definition of forkED when a man has a car payment, a house payment, a wife and a girlfriend and there all a month late:D




A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her forking appendix out!"

liverbird!!
21-07-2009, 09:36 AM
JLbdYAV0Tj4

arklowred
22-07-2009, 10:55 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Ron1892
22-07-2009, 11:32 PM
Whats Bob the Builders Called Now????

BOB...

I know ill get my coat and leave...

arklowred
22-07-2009, 11:53 PM
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, had been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved footy all our lives, and we played on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's footy there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for
you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white
light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike... Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike... it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

' I'm in Heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news, Joe says, is that there's footy in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again.

Even better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play footy all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'


http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/803/cid20fe1659c0fe16160004.jpg

DalglishN
24-07-2009, 09:37 AM
WARNING – Please take seriously


I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests,
> enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling
> well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache,
> nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
>
> From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested
> positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating
> condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.
> Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others
> diagnosed with Wine Flu.
>
> To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs,
> experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
> However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a
> DVD and take some Nurofen. [Nurofen seems to be the only drug
> available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of
> flu]. Others are reporting that a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help
> in some cases.
>
> Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early,
> can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further
> application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the
> original dose has been shown to do the trick.

pelemcg
24-07-2009, 10:36 AM
From F365

Arsenal's preparations for the new season were thrown into disarray today when it was revealed that Cesc Fabregas has been predatored by an osprey. The raptor swooped down and carried the diminutive midfielder away to its nest.


The fate of Fabregas is not known but Arsenal's ornithological experts are hoping 'his important football bits' are not already inside the bird. Fabregas had already been savaged at a visit to an owl sanctuary earlier in the summer.


Springwatch presenter Chris Packham commented: "Fabregas looks like a small furry animal, so its no surprise birds of prey want to eat him. Heaven knows, he's miserable now."


In a further injury scare, the club's bungee-jumping day out in Cheddar Gorge has left several first-team players' eyes "hanging right out". Gary Lewin was said to be relaxed about it - "we just push them back in with a stick," said the medical expert.


"They'll be back in one or two months," said their manager. "It's not a big problem. These are top players who do not need to see to play instinctive one-touch football."


Tomas Rosicky's recovery from long-term injury has been interrupted following a controversial speed-training exercise on Dartmoor known as 'The Death Run' during which injured players are required to run away from the SAS while being showered with bullets.


Rosicky is thought to have sustained serve bruising up the backside from a bazooka.


"I've seen some serious rectal bazooka-ings in my time as Arsenal manager, and Rosicky's is not a serious rectal bazooka-ing." said Arsene Wenger. "He'll be back in a couple of months."


Meanwhile, plans went ahead for a team bonding exercise at a razor blade factory.


"The welfare of the players is of utmost importance to us," said club doctor Gary O'Driscoll, while reattaching the severed leg of an as-yet-undisclosed first team player.


"It's just a flesh wound," said Arsene Wenger, adding, "He'll be back in a month or two."


It is thought that to prevent further injuries, the club is working with Adidas to create a new form of 'sports armour' which will protect, what Adidas development manager Spanner O'Brian called 'Arsenal's little fanny merchants' from breaking..


"We're determined to get through this crisis," said Wenger, adding, "not that it is a crisis, I have complete faith in everyone and in myself despite the fact that most of the first team have just been kidnapped by clowns to perform in a cruel Russian circus. They'll be back in a month or two."



John Nicholson