The man was a genius, just got sent a few of his jokes Anyone know any good concerts of his i could download? some of his classic 1 liners... I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said I could go sleep in the kitchen. Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? My wife does really good bird imitations. She watches me like hawk. My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't get into the bottle. I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then." It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. I was an accountant from the age of 20 to the age of 30, before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of 14 years that was. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. I often wonder what happens if you get scared half to death twice? The police station toilet was stolen. They have nothing to go on. My wife says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder. I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I got up just like that.. or like that...anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas. It's a funny place to have a door I know. I told the doctor 'I've got a bad back'. He said, 'It's old age.' I said, 'I want a second opinion'. Doc says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.' I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Two silkworms had a race. It ended in a tie. I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’ My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’ I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights' I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'. I went to the butchers. I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "The steaks are too high." My wife went overseas. My friend asked "Jamaica?" I said, "No she went of her own accord". I had a meal last night. I said to the waiter, 'Look, this chicken here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks." I went to my doctor and said, "I feel like a pair of curtains". He told me "Pull yourself together". I hurt my back today. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.' Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then." Yesterday I fired my cleaner. I’m really glad that’s done and dusted. I’ve just eaten an abacus. I believe it's what’s inside that counts. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. I was dicing with death. So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out. I asked the gym to teach me how to do the splits. They asked, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' I asked the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.' The back of my anorak leaps up and down and people chuck money at me. It's my livelihood. I said to my doctor "with the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep'' he said '"Try lying on the edge of the bed you'll soon drop off". I was stealing things in the shop balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Fullâ€. I thought: “I can’t turn that downâ€. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" My neighbour was banging on my door at 4am. Good job I was up playing my bagpipes.
Was not even born when he was performing but the man was pure class from the videos I have seen of him. An unmistakable voice. Like most of the greats he had plenty of personal demons. Good idea of a thread.
I didnt find him funny at all when i was a kid. His jokes werent funny and his magic tricks never worked. I remember me ma telling me his tricks arent supposed to work...thats the joke. But i just didnt get it. Looking back, I can see he was a true great. Watching him collapse and die live on tv was surreal.
"Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That's the Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." I was reading this book the other day. The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
Tommy goes to the tailors..'Any blue material?'Tailor replies...'Have you heard the one about the actress and the bishop?' Tommy introduced to the queen'Do you like football mam?' 'No'she replied Tommy'Any chance of your cup final tickets?'
i really only began to understand his act as i got older the man was a genius and there has been nothing like him since